26 Octubre: Why are we here??

I’m starting to feel uneasy, because there have been a few times during training where it seems that they are teaching us, to regard the Paraguayan system of doing things such as education and business as totally wrong, and less effective. While it does seem like there is so many ways it can be improved, it seems the systems are well planned, just that there needs to be more motivation (and money to drive the motivation) from the people who run the system (government, teachers, etc) for it to work better. But so many times I’ve heard the whole neo-imperialistic attitude like “my way is the best and the right way, and your’s is wrong and we are here to teach you my way” instead of “what can be done to make your system work better?” UGH….I don’t really know how to describe it. Well, that’s just where training supposedly tries to make clear we are not here to be neo-imperialists, but you can kind of pick up those views from others, just plain condescending and judgemental attitudes. I was warned when I applied, but I thought that couldn't be true. I hope it really is just what we make of it once we are in site and actually working.

…Like for example with the school system, and how bad it is, and how we could approach it: They always tell us to “dumb it down” when talking about environmental issues with anyone, especially kids because they just don’t understand that kind of language and higher, critical thinking. Though, from my experience so far, kids especially are so smart, and if explained correctly one can use terms like “organico” instead of “natural” or “germenes and microorganismos” instead of “bichitos” and they will totally understand. I think it’s just the gringos who come here who are truly dumb and can’t get some concepts across. Some kids who are in primary school already know a lot about the envirnonmental issues and know the language of more complicated words in Spanish. The Spanish of some trainer who has been here twenty years is still kind of bad, and the grammar and sentence structures of some of the manuals in Spanish are horrible!!! And one especially tells us how important it is to learn Guarani to integrate with the community (which I agree with) but she doesn’t even speak it herself! (and she’s the one who’s lived here over 20yrs). GRRR

…Or another is about trash. There is so much judgement about how bad it is because so many people here burn their trash. And yes it is especially bad to burn plastic because of the toxic chemicals that are produced from burning plastic. But the system has it so that there is no proper way to transport trash from small pueblos with dirt roads, to a huge landfill. There are no landfills here either. I feel like from a USA point of view, there is no way we can judge. The trash they produce here per person is clearly A LOT less than the trash one produces in the U.S. And we are sooo detached from our waste that we think the problem is solved by just separating plastic, metal, glass, and trash and leaving the responsibility of others to take it from there. But It seems that with the pollution generated from just moving trash from one’s house to the landfill is probably greater than a Paraguayan emits pollution from anything. We are all polluting when we use electricity, drive cars, use plastics and produce trash. But so many people here don’t use gas monster cars (either motorcycle, or small car if you are rich, but usually transportation=walking/public bus/horse pulled cart). I just feel like this is a complicated issue where we are just being completely hypocritical to say that what Paraguayans are doing is killing the atmosphere, when basically, in the big picture, it doesn’t ever compare to what people in USA do to the environment per capita.

2 Noviembre: Too little of a swimming pool

I am trying to be more optimistic and enthusiastic. I really am. Today I just don’t think I woke with the right mindset to tackle a Guarani interview exam, and be short of one professor during language today. Silvia, a professor, was gone, so the two Guarani classes were together with Delfina, eight students instead of the usual four. I think I’ve been uneasy since this weekend, probably because the thoughts of being over critical about what the locals think and say and how it may reflect on our success and professionalism are getting far too haunting.

The volunteer who visited Monday to train us about Viveros Escolares was a man possibly in his 30s who is super guapo (hard working) and president of some kind of PCV organization. He mentioned his greatest objective is to really make everyone realize that drunken and belligerent behavior will really hinder one’s own professionalism, but also that of others PCVs if that chisme gets to their ears. This just made me feel somewhat guilty of what we did collectively last weekend for Halloween and just irked me with the rest of the trainees who mostly seemed to hear it and let it right out their other ear. I suppose I’m also growing more irritating to them as I grow more tired of being around them far too often without seeing any other Americans. I am just realizing how accustomed I have grown to bouncing around from one group of friends to another. Attending so many schools and being that one person who had friends who were in completely different circles or who hated each other meant that I could within a several days hang out a couple times a day with different people. I just am not used to being in the same circle of people for such a long period of time.

Today was worse, because eight of us were in the same class, and the level of concentration dropped to the floor as side conversations did not cease, and everyone was out of the loop, so that even the best Guarani student was speaking English too much, occasionally even directed at the professora. Worst of all was the afternoon training that consisted of a couple of urban youth development volunteers talk about working with youth groups. They were both quite informative, but one was pretty ditzy, which would probably amuse me on some other day, but today irked me. They worked on stuff like sex education and motivation, the self esteem of youth, which they were quite glum about, explaining that in PY, young people are not ever encouraged or told to dream out their hearts, are too oppressive on themselves, and such, and are only reminded when they are being bad and stupid. I would readily object and say that kids are mostly loved here, based on my observations thus far. The kids I have seen are given quite a bit of attention, constantly encouraged to do well in school and have everything they own be lindo, just the manner to go about encouraging is different than in the U.S. (definitely more felt, not so cheesy for lack of better description). Essentially the whole time, it seemed we were playing game after game without objectives other than some leadership activities. However, they didn’t say what kind of leadership roles we could encourage youth to take, and what to do during youth meetings, other than play games.

Also, just after a 15 minute break, I decided to make some Terere, because I felt too sleepy toward the end of the break. I know I should have just prepared it during break, but I just wanted a break without doing anything whatsoever. I decided to be polite and ask if I could prepare some, and was told to just participate in an absurd activity for which I was already too late after using the bathroom. So I got in place and did my whole pen in the mouth thing to pass a ring to another person’s pen in their mouth, failed and ran back to the fridge while everyone was telling me to go back that I wasn’t done and needed to participate. It made me angry to the point of watery eyes that they were so critical about my participation in a silly activity, that the trainers didn’t let me make Terere. So for the following fundraising charla I acted extra sleepy, though it wasn’t fully faked, just to spite the trainer, and made sure to put my bitter face.

I completely regret this, because I have gained nothing positive out of it for myself or the perception unto others. I also hate complaining about shit like this, but I think it is just really getting to me to be around the same ten people and not seeing anyone other than them and our host families, and also the disillusion over the Peace Corps mission during training thus far. So I just hope this doesn’t happen again, and I can have my mom’s voice of wisdom in my conscience before it happens, reminding me that I cannot complain, but instead find an alternative or remember how useless it is to complain and be vexed.

3 Noviembre: Salio el Sol!

Better post: I felt wiped out this morning on our way to the second day of practica, working in a school with about 60 children 4-6th grade. It was our first day of real work, and being part of the smallest group of trainees (just two of us) working in the biggest school around here (doesn't make sense, huh?), did not make it an event to look forward to. So we went, walked the 45 minutes there on a hot 7:30am morning, and started immediately with the 4th graders. I just wanted to get started since we arrived a little late, and so I got the kids, power walked to the school yard and did our charla (lecture) on Organic and Inorganic Waste Classifications, followed by a Timeline of Decomposition, working about 40 mins with 20 kids at a time. Working with the 4th graders outdoors and experiencing the impossibility of disciplining those kids to stay in place and listen without their teacher's supervision was frustrating.

Subsequently, we worked with the other classes indoors after doing an icebreaker, and were impressed with everyone's knowledge of the difference of organic and inorganic stuff. However, the timeline decomposition thing was a little more tougher for the kids to figure out, except for the 6th grade class who was too smart for our teaching material and level. I was pleased to see that kids are quite on top of their knowledge for their grade level, granted that I've been given the opposite impression during training.

Friday is day four of five dia de practica, so we'll see how it goes, and hope the kids are well behaved in 4th grade, and we can get the teachers to stay with us during the activities!