They say not to blog when you are rolling in the deep in the Peace Corps. Well, I don’t have an actual journal and I say fuck it, read the sub-headline of the blog page. My ideas tend to reflect a brain like a drugged out spider spinning a web confused as to where it started and where it should go next or end, but when I’m angry and sleep deprived, my train of thoughts is an utter wreck, worse than the whole two kilometers of railroad in landlocked Paraguay…it’s going from nowhere to nowhere.
It’s almost 3:30 am on what is now officially a Sunday morning. If I were in normal world, I’d probably just be winding down from a night out, but this is far from normal. I have been quite sleepy since about 10pm, but there have been internal and external interruptions every twenty minutes. Now my brain is on overload and I have a dull, dizzy ache keeping me from sleep.
This is another negative blog, unfortunately, but it’s not about the people and their reta (way of life, customs)...(ok maybe the latter part is a lie). In fact I had a pretty good, but un-accomplished day. I spent the morning finishing the overdue bamboo garden fence that kind of fell apart a few weeks ago, and since it was friendship day (a big deal here), I invited three girls who live close enough to visit for chocolate cake and a movie, which was a great success for the girls. It was an ideal non-work day until they left at the last of dusk and I retired to idle for about an hour, pretending to clean and take care of my rabbit and her compost.
I then realized I start a series of 6-8 lessons at the elementary school for the upcoming 2-3 weeks, and the biggest one is Monday. So I convinced myself at around 8pm that I should wait on skype for my mom and sister while idling a little more. I tried to do a bellydance workout but was too drained for it, knowing there was no hope for a bodyrock work. By near midnight, I had lightly read through the research I had done, and kind of outlined the poster papers (I’m pre-powerpoint, let alone any technology at school) for the first lesson. I planned on taking some of this work and personal Guarani studies to the occasional visit I owe my host grandfather in the morning.
I tried to sleep but my mind was running on a different motor, generating new ideas about the school lesson and my Guarani language endeavors. To calm my thoughts I got up at about 1am to type out these ideas, saw my mom sent me a text message apologizing for not being able to skype, so thereafter I hoped for a good night’s sleep. Just as I was losing conscious thought….I heard cows grazing right outside my window again. GRRRRR
I am so worked up about this because there has been a problem with cows in my yard for the past month. My neighbors kind of have helped put up a part of the fence they knocked down once long ago and the crappy gate, but were never really in a hurry to finish anything. The only reason they did is because they HAD to. I finally realized that my landlord must know that the cows are responsible for many of the string of problems the water motor has. I think I have had a total of two weeks of running water without some crazy pipe leak in the past eight months. I was feeling a little responsible when my neighbor, especially the dad, kind of commanded me to not let HIS cows in my yard and IIIII need to chase them around if this happens…like I’m responsible for HIS cows too. And I began to feel really GUILTY when my landlord called me kind of mad for not reporting the currently enormous pipe damage to the water situation. I tried to explain as kindly as possible that I did not want him to get all worried about it (this old man lives like three hours away and is putting tons of money into fixing the water every other month, instead of fixing the fence to keep the cows out, or just killing all the cows). In reality, I chose not to do anything because I knew I had nothing to do with the problem (it happened while I was away for a couple of days) and in reality I don’t mind having to haul a bucket or two of water everyday (I live the furthest away from a well). We only turn on the water about 10 minutes a day to each get a few liters of drinking water, while probably ten times that is wasted by the damage. They insist it has to be done GRRR. My neighbor reminded me a few more times that it’s my responsibility to keep the cows out too. GRRRRRR. Just now, a cow came to the bunny cage right by my door and knocked the rain cover with brick weights off the top and started chewing on the plastic, scaring the shit out of my bunny and me. Another just knocked off a good amount of the straw off the water motor’s roof. GRRRRRRRRRR
This passive accusation for something that I absolutely nothing to do with but has lately affected me a lot, topped by my family’s neglect and my own procrastination is HORRRRRRRRificly beyond 4 am words. I laid in bed, adding fuel to fire in my head, relaying through how much I hate domestic animals and am now determined to be fully vegetarian again (gasp, even when visiting neighbors) and how I can almost be vegan and would love it. I used to be vegetarian because I really appealed to the energy efficiency argument, but now I have two reasons. Chickens, pigs and cows are disgusting, brainless creatures that if let run wild, without balanced meals, are savage and reckless. My own chickens don’t lay eggs anymore for what people call the normal clueca phase, which to me means I have absolutely no need for them, but can’t bring myself to kill them…let alone consume them. Thus, spending on feeding them is not so viable, but I do it to deter them from eating the bunny poop (but there are three chickens of mine and about 40 more visiting throughout the day). Lately, eggs have caused an unpleasantly odd sense, that if I eat them, my next couple of meals have a strong vestige smell and taste of eggs (almost rancid in my craziness) even though I do not use the same cooking/eating utensils, so much I am ready to cut them out other than in baked goods. I have cut out straight up milk, and so use powdered milk, but very little because it’s the lesser of two evils. I rarely eat cheese because what is most available is far from enjoyable. I laid in bed fully awake thinking about disgusting chickens eating rabbit poop and not laying eggs; pigs too often witnessed inside of people’s kitchens (I puked a mouthful of chocolate cake at those memories), tearing through my yard and knocking down my tree saplings, and making foul sounds; and cows eating my cilantro, carrots, and plastic bunny cage cover after also tearing through my yard and fucking up the running water.
What also vexes me is the irony of how lose these animals are, and how the reta of old world rural families is still strong in that women and whole families in general are on a short leash to their families and house. They rarely leave their house and fields except to buy the essentials, and in some cases some women only leave the house for an immediate family member’s death or wedding. I finally end here and hope I can get a wink of sleep before I hear my neighbors realize the cows are in my yard and am coaxed to help. It’s about one hour to sunrise. Good morning. Ha.
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